Failed again

After the world's worst night sleep, I got the 2nd biggest slap in the face I've ever had. The 1st was the first time this happened. Physically shaking I not only wee'd on 2 sticks, but myself too! That wait to see if it's a positive or negative is horrific. I actually had a dream last night it was positive!I've gone from thinking it hasn't worked, to looking at baby names again, to planning when I'd be due, to thinking it hasn't worked again. I really felt like this time i'd done everything I could! I had the scratch, used a different cycle & drugs, did acupuncture, I have eaten what I was told to eat. Even though I don't like Brazil nuts! I haven't even been on one walk, or stepped foot in a gym in 2 weeks. I did work from home & I did get slightly stressed a few times. But that's normal! Pregnant people work. You aren't meant to have bed rest for 2 weeks.All for nothing. I cried, then I felt sick, then I told Chris I bet he regrets marrying me. He doesn't bless him. Now I'm just angry & empty. I feel like a leftover deflated balloon at a party. All shrivelled up with nothing left inside. My poor body doesn't know what's going on. I'm bloated, gained loads of weight, been doing bloody pessaries morning & night, for nothing. I haven't been out, or had a life in ages. Seem's so cruel. I've never tried so hard at something, just to be kicked back down twice.We have 1 attempt left on the nhs & only 2 eggs left. So it's scary. I won't be beaten! I think I need to have the natural killer cell test this time. Anyone else done this?But what's s**t about that is you have to wait 3 months apparently. So it's all delayed again. I'm not getting any younger & this freaks me out. I never wanted to be an old mum!Anyway I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or say sorry. It's not your fault. It's just awful luck. I have a wonderful life except for this. If it's meant to be, hopefully it will be. I'll be back to my sunny positive self soon. People may judge & wonder why I'm sharing something so personal. But it's my life & if it helps others & me, then it's a good thing. When I was really young I'd wrote songs and poems. So I wrote a little quick one today. Sending so much love to you if you're in the same position. You will truly know how it feels X